Day Sixty Six: Barely Holding in the Tears 8/4/2016

     I'm sitting outside of The Preserve (our house) on a blue picnic bench looking across the bay at yet another marvelous sunset in which God shows us his magnificence. This is our last reflection time, our last (scheduled) date night with God. Obviously I will be continuing my quiet times with God and though this is the last Thursday (when I write my posts), there will be one last post on this blog before the end of the trip. I'm considering continuing blogging my spiritual journey on a new blog, so if that would be something you'd like to use to look in on from time and time again, I'll keep you up to date on that situation.
     It seems like forever since last Thursday. So much has happened, I don't even know where to start. Saturday we (attempted) to have a co-worker/international student barbecue. We thought that each of us on the mission would have 3-5 people show up, so in the prep process we cooked for around 150 people. God has a great sense of humor... Let's just say we had a bunch of leftovers. In our outreach debrief meeting, Braise, our student leader, commented on how God used it, even though it seemed like a flop, a very tangible example of just giving everything to God. Sunday we attended First Presbyterian as usual and afterward went over to one of the members house in Ocean Pines. Beth, Lou, and their son Alex had us over for tubing and a picnic. They were such good hosts and it was so much fun!
     This week is a week of "lasts." Monday was our last TNT (teaching and training) ran by our prayer team. Tuesday was our last bible study. So many feels. It was bittersweet. We sat in the same positions (and awkward spacing) that we did our first bible study where we shared our life stories with one another. I love those girls so much. They have been wonderful friends, giving amazing biblical advice, listening with loving hearts and attentive ears, and always willing to call "porch" when need be. They are really the first Christian girl friends I've ever had (with maybe one or two exeptions) and I had no idea how valuable having women after God's own heart is to have in your corner. I want to thank all three of them for their continuous support, love, and patience they have had with me on this summer of ups and downs. Yesterday was our last life group dinner followed by our last family night, which was by far one of the bests nights of this trip. We had 9 songs (instead of our usual 5), an activity on encouraging one another, and a talk by our very own student mission director, Matthew Burns. His talk was on our faith as a light in our own lives, a light into the lives of others, and a faith that does not lose hope. We then ended by recognizing the images of stones found through out the bible and we took two stones and wrote on one sins that we want to rid ourselves of and throw to the ocean floor. Then as we rid ourselves of our sin, we put on armor of biblical truth, which we wrote on the other stone. On my castaway stone, I wrote; self-worth, control, and anxiety and depression. As for my armor; 1 Peter 5:10 After we have suffered, God WILL restore us.
     Tomorrow is my last day at work. If I'm being honest I'm actually going to miss it. Alright, yes, it wasn't the most interesting job in the world, mostly filing and entering information into our company's database. But I've become attached to my co-workers. They may not be my age, but it really has been a joy working with them. My direct boss, Shannon, is hilarious and slightly crazy. You wouldn't expect it on first glance, but she is :P. She has an 8 month old daughter who I'm obsessed with and always has the best stories to tell about motherhood. Sarah, is the Payroll director and I help her out when I've caught up on Shannon's paper work.  Sarah also has a young daughter (10 months old) and I love seeing new pictures of her on facebook. Their kids are both so cute. Both Shannon and Sarah along with the other people in the office have been so welcoming and kind. I truly am going to miss riding my bike to work every day and seeing their warm smiles.
     As this mission comes to an end, I pray for each and every person on this mission, that God will continue the work he has started in us and let us be lights in this dark world. I also pray for "post-project depression." We have been a part from the real world surrounded by faithful Christians. Though we won't be losing the community that has been created here, it is going to look very different. I just pray that with the Holy Spirit we will use the tools we have been taught this summer and rise above any depression or anxiety we may feel.
     I have been so blessed to be on this mission and take part in all of the experiences that I have. I recognize that none of this would have been possible primarily without God, but this is possible through the blessings you have received and decided to use to bless me. Thank you all so much for your love and support. I am so  very grateful.
     Lots of Love, Maddy

Day Fifty Nine: Vunerability; Price or Prize 7/28/2016

     As we've become more comfortable with each other on this mission we have all come to a level of vulnerability with one another. I would like to say that I am an open book and am easy to talk to when it comes to the tough stuff, however there are parts of my life that very few, if any, know about. Things that I've hidden in my heart and tried to erase any proof existing in the first place. Before coming on this mission, I knew that I put on a mask to hide the pain that I dealt with but I had no idea to the measure of its effects on my heart and relationships with the people around me. One of the things that my amazing discipeler (Julie) and I talked about quite frequently was how I felt so distant from the other girls on the mission. After a few weeks at the beginning of the summer, we figured out the biggest reason for this; my lack of vulnerability. Sure I was talking about things that I struggled with but though I was being honest with the girls in the house, I spoke about me issues as a third person narrator on my own life. "Maddy struggles with depression," acknowledging that I did have a problem, but never broke through the surface to deal with it on a heart level. 

     This has always been an issue for me, I put all my feelings into nice organized boxes in the storage closet of my mind and push aside issues so I don't have to deal with them. It seems like a great idea right? Well apparently you can only avoid problems for so long until they build up and that organized closet in my mind looks more like the scene from Peter Pan where Wendy is trying to get the letter from the mail boy and Nana slides across the floor of the bank, running into the boy and Wendy creating a complete disarray of papers and humiliating Mr. Darling in the process. Well, the bank is my mind, Nana is the latest emotion that has broke the camels back, and the humiliation is all mine, as I make rash decisions in times of pain. 

     Since this has been made known to me, I've been working on ways to open up to others on this mission as well as being honest with myself. I've wrote previously about some of the steps I've taken to accomplish these goals, but this week was really a milestone for me on this journey. There was a talent show on Monday at the international coffee house that members of this mission go to bi-weekly, and one of the coordinators of the talent show was asking if any of us wanted to be a part of it. All of last week, I was thinking about it, but wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to do. I decided Sunday night to read a poem from the "Sonnets of the Portuguese" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and signed up. As I was at work the next day memorizing the poem, God stopped me. He told me that I wasn't going to read a poem by some dead English woman, but rather read one of my own. 

     Alright folks, I write poetry, yes, but I do not let other people (except Anna) read it let alone stand up in front of a group of 50+ people and share it with them. God had another idea. I refined one of my poems I wrote a few months ago and waited nervously for my turn. I was so anxious that I didn't eat dinner (good thing too, because it may not have stayed down) and when my turn came I prayed for boldness as I walked up. One of my friends strummed on his guitar in the background and a random international student played the piano for me. I got through it with a confidence that was very much not my own, and spoke slowly and clearly enough for the foreign students to understand me. After I finished and sat down, a giant weight lifted from my chest and I could feel God smiling down on me. After the entire show there was a small reception with refreshments and five or so people approached me thanking me for my boldness and honesty. Some said they too struggled with inner demons and were inspired to continue the fight because of me. I was shocked, and all I can do is praise God. It was a wonderful night and God is so good!

     As I continue to be honest with myself and cultivate relationships with people on this mission I pray that God continue to use me and show me how he will use me to further the kingdom. I pray that I continue to acknowledge God as my first love, and surrender control to him. Thank you all for your prayers and support.

     Lots of love, Maddy 

Day Fifty Two: But... I Don't Want To Go 7/21/2016

     For any of you who know what my title is alluding to, I appreciate you and I hope the reference may help you better understand my emotions right now. I've been in Ocean City Maryland for fifty two days all of which have been jam packed with adventures and memories I hope to never forget. I've made some amazing new friends, ministered to a multitude of people, experienced God in very real ways, and have had a roller coaster of emotions along the way. I thank you all for joining me on this journey and sticking with me thus far, but looking ahead and realizing we only have a little over three weeks left before leaving the preserve and the comfortablitity of such loving and God seeking new friends terrifies me.
     I've had "Christian" friends before, who say they will hold me accountable and occasionally talk about spiritual things with me, but after meeting these people and developing (hopefully) life long friendships with them, I've realized the friends from home and school who are truly living the spirit filled life, is much smaller than I thought. The twenty nine other individuals I'm living with will not simply be "those people I met that one summer in college" but rather, best friends that I have made and hope to keep in contact with for the rest of my life who will provide love, support, and wise counsel when I need Godly advice or just someone to talk to. I love each and every single one of the people on this mission and will miss them all dearly at the end of the summer.
     Enough sappy stuff! We still have three weeks left right? So allow me to fill you in on the happenings of OCMD. This past week three of the women on this mission were baptized in the ocean with members of their churches. It was awesome to see their proclamation of faith and pray over them. On Friday night we drove up to DC and stayed in the Cru houses at George Mason University. Saturday we took the metro in and waited in line for two hours to get into the National mall for Together 2016. I don't know if any of you knew about this festival, but it was amazing! A bunch of speakers and musicians alike came together to help reset this generation of Christians to be servants of God in this evil and violent world. If you are at all interested in what it was all about and who was there, here's the link: https://reset2016.com/ It was amazing, over 300,000 people congregated to praise Jesus and talk about what we as Christians can be doing. Being a part of something like that made me feel thankful to have a father and savior who loves me and wants to have a relationship with me. Thankful for the community that I have despite not knowing the vast majority of them, and thankful for the freedom to worship our God publicly and without persecution.
     Prayer requests this week are pretty simple. Pray that we will get everything out of these next three weeks that we can, pray that I will continue to lean into God and his word, and pray that I won't let the fear of this summer end affect what God has in store.

Lots of Love,
   Maddy

Day Fourty Five: Spiritual Warfare, Feeling Alone in the Battle 7/14/2016

     If I'm being completely honest with myself and you all back home, this trip has been physically, emotionally, and spiritually challenging. A type of challenge I've never really face before. Sure, I've had my insecurities and doubted God for numerous reasons, mainly because of my physical circumstances, but being faced with my biggest insecurity and hatered toward God for ten weeks without distraction, has completely pulled me apart and is shaping me into the woman I truly strive to be.
     I've conftronted God so many times, asking him "why do you have to do this to me?" "why can't I have the peace in you that I so desperately want?" "could you throw anything worse at me right now?" The immediate response is one I know all too well, silence. This just fuels my rage at him. But after being here for six weeks, I can see clearly for the first time both on this mission and in my life in general. God wants an intimate relationship with me, and he is doing everything he can to get me to realize that. He knows that in my sufferering I always turn to him, usually in anger, to get answers. Even though this is not the exact type of relationship he or I want, it's the start of something wonderful. We studied Psalms 88 earlier and this is one of the only Psalms that doesn't end praising God, but instead David says "you have caused my beloved and my firend to shun me; my companions have become darkness." If David, someone who had a beautifuly intimate relationship with God, can pray a prayer of sadness and anger, then so can I.
     When I do pray prayers like this, I am later turned towards scripture that reminds me of his grace and how it is sufficent, that Jesus, our savior, suffered with obedience, and that after we have suffered for a while God will, confirm, restore, strengthen and establish us. I don't know what God is doing, but I believe that he is molding me into the follower of Christ he wishes me to be. The lies that I have believed for so long are slowly (and I say slowly, because it is very slow) falling off of the cage I've been keeping my heart locked in for many years, allowing the spiritual truth that I so desperately need to believe shine through the holes into the cage and warm my cold heart.
     As you keep me in your prayers this week, pray for my complete attention to be on God, that I will have meaningful and intentional quiet times, not out of obligation, but because I want to know God deeper and feel the fullness of his love and grace. Pray that things that have been keeping me distracted from God and things that have been causing anxiety and depression will go away from my mind and instead my mind will be filled with the truth of our father. If these things do not leave my mind just pray, as I do daily, that God will continue to be with me through the struggle.
     Thank you all for your love and support, sorry for the shorter post today, this is just what has been on my heart and what I wanted to share with you all.
Lots of Love, Maddy

Day Thirty Eight: The Week Without Staff 7/7/2016

     So much has changed in the last ten days. Leadership positions were chosen, I shared my testimony at both family night and at First Pres on Sunday, the staff left on Friday evening, and we had a huge house cookout for the 4th of July and watched fireworks on the beach. Sorry about my lack of a post on Monday, due to the staff leaving, our weekly schedule has been changed up and our reflection time is now on Thursday evenings instead of Mondays, so from now on, look for posts on Thursdays. Sorry about that. 

     I guess I'll share in chronological order. Last week was the final week with staff and during family night on Wednesday, the leaders for the rest of the misson were announced. There are bible study leaders, ministry team leaders, and then four main leaders, two overseeing the project as a whole, and two to lead men's and women's time. I was not chosen to have a leadership opportunity, but I'm happy to come along side those who have been chosen to help them in what ever way they need. I would be lying if I said I was completely on board at first. I was frustrated, as anyone would be, who has been told their entire life that they are a natural leader to not be chosen to lead their friends. I soon realized that I don't need to be a leader in everything, that I am a great person to be a second hand man, and most importantly, that God is working in my life this summer that doesn't involve leadership; that leadership would actually hinder my spiritual growth. 

     We then had staff banquet on Friday evening as a send off to our staff leaders which included a video, superlatives, gifts to our leaders, and a catered dinner. Community team did a wonderful job planning and carrying out the event. it was sad to see such influential staff and friends say their goodbyes, but we as a mission have been told countless times that the true mission starts after the staff lead. With more responsibility on our shoulders we grow closer together, deepen in friendships, and see God work in even bigger ways. I'm both excited and nervous for what is in store.

     On Wednesday I shared my testimony with the mission and felt a bit awkward, partly because I was on a stage and partly because I didn't practice as much as I would have liked, but overall people seemed to enjoy it and said I did well. Sunday though, was amazing, at first I was super nervous because it was in front of the entire congregation and they were all much older than I and I wasn't sure how they would take it, but once I was up there, it just felt so natural and all the nerves washed away. I felt different than any other time I've spoken in front of people, I think the Holy Spirit was really working in my heart that morning, and it felt awesome. After the service, a bunch of people thanked me for sharing and, said they were moved by my testimony, and that I had a very natural and warm speaking voice. One woman even asked if I wanted to speak at conferences for a living! Needless to say, despite the fact that First Pres would not have been my first choice of a church to attend this summer, it is slowly growing on me :)

     For those of you who do not know, the 4th of July is my second favorite holiday (followed by Halloween) so missing out on our neighborhoods annual party was a huge bummer, but I suggested doing a cookout here and going to see the fireworks together as a group. Everyone pitched in a few dollars and we went shopping! I made Grandma Stout's infamous Mac N' Cheese for the first time, with minimal complications, and everyone loved it. Afterward, we went up to the loft and had an impromptu worship session where God was very present. After dark we walked up to the boardwalk and though nothing compares to Colorado fire works (kidding) the show was pretty good. 

     Thank you all for continuing to read my funny stories and checking in on me, I really appreciate it. I have a few prayer requests this week: We as a mission are really trying to reach international students, and with several opportunities to meet and share the gospel with them each week, I pray that their hearts will be open to what we have to share, and that God will move in them. For the girls, we have been focusing recently on "waiting well" and dealing with singleness, so prayers for contentment and fulfillment in Christ would be great. I personally want to fall so in love with God that if a guy were to pursue me, he would have to pursue God to get to me. I also ask for intentional daily quiet times and general peace over all of my circumstances and thoughts. 

     Lots of love, Maddy 

Day Twenty Eight: Four Weeks, I'd Say More Like Four Months 6/27/2016

     Time is a funny thing. We, as most humans, measure time in increments of 24 hour days, 7 of those days consist of a week, and 4 weeks consist of a month; but what if time was measured in increments of moments of community, the bonds forged between brothers and sisters in Christ, the moments of laughter and of deep sorrow, the moments where we truly experience the Holy Spirit moving in our hearts and transforming our lives. That is how I want to measure time. The time spent here in Ocean City has been amazing and truly life changing. It seems weird to look at the people I've become so comfortable with and grown to love and say that I met them only twenty eight days ago. Summer mission time is not adequately measured in minutes, days, or weeks, but rather by experience. 

     Since I last wrote, so much has happened, this past week was the last full week where the staff will be with us, so very busy. Yesterday alone was crazy. We went to church in the morning, and then at 1pm began women's day. We stated out with a game of kick ball, in which our team won 14-6. I did surprisingly well, despite the obvious. After, we went to the staff girls apartment and pampered ourselves with Never Been Kissed staring Drew Barrymore, nail painting, and crafts. The evening consisted of catered Panera and fancy dresses, oh yeah, and a surprise cake for my birthday :)

      We then went through an hour or so of quiet time, where our disciplers and their discipler prayed over us. It was amazingly painful. This past week God has been throwing a lot at me in the realm of our suffering on earth and his goodness. Not only was the sermon that I listened to online on Daniel and his struggles as well as Shadrack, Meshack, Abendigo, but the very next day Shelby Abbot spoke on Daniel 3 at family night. Needless to say, I got the message God. So when we prayed yesterday, all of the emotions I had been dealing with the entire week, just kind of spilled out. It was very humbling for me. I found a song that perfectly sums up this week for me, Thy Will by Hilary Scott, the lead singer of Lady Antebellum.

       Thy will be done (x3)

I know you are good / but this don't feel good right now / And I know you think / 

Of things I could never think about / it's just hard to count it all joy /

Distracted by the noise / Just trying to make sense / of all your promises / 

Sometimes I gotta stop/ Remember that you are God / and I'm not / So....

Thy will be done (x3)

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is 

Thy will be done (x3)

Thy will 

     This week as I prepare to give my testimony on both Wednesday at family night, and at church on Sunday, I ask that you pray for God to use me to speak to those listening, that my testimony may move people. I ask for boldness and confidence as well as peace. Also pray for the hearts of both our coworkers and the people we outreach to this week, that God will soften their hearts to the gospel. Thank you all for your continuous prayers and love. 

     Lots of love, Maddy

Day Twenty One: Pain found in Personal Growth 6/20/2016

     This mission is not for the faint of heart, I'll tell you that much. For three weeks now we have been poured into by wise staff members, pastors, and one another; it seems unreal. To have this many Christians the same age truly seeking out God and molding their life to look more like his is astounding. I am impressed, proud, and intimidated by the friends I've made so far. Being around them urges me to dive deeper into God's word, pray without ceasing, and to continue to invest in their friendship to grow a community of love, laughter, and accountability.   

     I would be lying if I said that I haven't been learning some very real and hard stuff these past few weeks. I'd like to share with you what God has been doing in my life, how I've responded, and practical things that I've been doing to not only improve my relationship with God, but also to fix parts of my life that I've been living wrong for a while. 

     First, thank you to all of you who continue to check up on me through this blog, I'm grateful for your prayers and support. What I am about to say are some personal struggles that I've been dealing with for the better part of almost 20 (6 more days :) ) years of my life. So though I'm not saying anything that I fear will "go viral" or am ashamed of, I hope that you will be gracious to me as I share some things you may not know.

     Here it goes: Ever since I've known about my disability and the differences between my sisters and I along with the many struggles it has brought me, I've hated my physical appearance, and lashed out at others in anger for what apparently God had "fearfully and wonderfully made." During my elementary and middle school years, I was a very angry child and quickly came to hate everything about myself. In high school, I assumed that because of the way God had made me that there was no way anyone would ever love me both in terms of friends, because they would obviously befriend me out of pity, and in terms boys.... Well, I've always wanted to have a boyfriend and get married one day, and although I pursue guys I'm interested in, it seems as if I will never catch their attention or get out of the "friend zone." These past few weeks, we have been talking about how to approach relationships in a Christian way, and seek God in a way that any guy who may be interested in us, must seek God to get to us. We've also learned about the design differences between men and women and how we, as women, are supposed to be pursued not pursue, and in the meantime love God and submit to his will.

    It's been an emotional ride, learning all these things and trying to digest them, but it has relieved a weight that has been on my heart for years. In your prayers this week, I ask that you specifically pray that my heart will soften to the truth, that I am created by God perfectly, and to cast all my anxieties on him, giving him all of my struggles and allowing him to be in control of my life. I ask that you pray for the distractions that I am running into on this trip and that they won't take up time in my life that should be time for God. Thanks again for all of your love! Sorry this was a longer and more detailed post than usual.

    Lots of love,  Maddy