If I'm being completely honest with myself and you all back home, this trip has been physically, emotionally, and spiritually challenging. A type of challenge I've never really face before. Sure, I've had my insecurities and doubted God for numerous reasons, mainly because of my physical circumstances, but being faced with my biggest insecurity and hatered toward God for ten weeks without distraction, has completely pulled me apart and is shaping me into the woman I truly strive to be.
I've conftronted God so many times, asking him "why do you have to do this to me?" "why can't I have the peace in you that I so desperately want?" "could you throw anything worse at me right now?" The immediate response is one I know all too well, silence. This just fuels my rage at him. But after being here for six weeks, I can see clearly for the first time both on this mission and in my life in general. God wants an intimate relationship with me, and he is doing everything he can to get me to realize that. He knows that in my sufferering I always turn to him, usually in anger, to get answers. Even though this is not the exact type of relationship he or I want, it's the start of something wonderful. We studied Psalms 88 earlier and this is one of the only Psalms that doesn't end praising God, but instead David says "you have caused my beloved and my firend to shun me; my companions have become darkness." If David, someone who had a beautifuly intimate relationship with God, can pray a prayer of sadness and anger, then so can I.
When I do pray prayers like this, I am later turned towards scripture that reminds me of his grace and how it is sufficent, that Jesus, our savior, suffered with obedience, and that after we have suffered for a while God will, confirm, restore, strengthen and establish us. I don't know what God is doing, but I believe that he is molding me into the follower of Christ he wishes me to be. The lies that I have believed for so long are slowly (and I say slowly, because it is very slow) falling off of the cage I've been keeping my heart locked in for many years, allowing the spiritual truth that I so desperately need to believe shine through the holes into the cage and warm my cold heart.
As you keep me in your prayers this week, pray for my complete attention to be on God, that I will have meaningful and intentional quiet times, not out of obligation, but because I want to know God deeper and feel the fullness of his love and grace. Pray that things that have been keeping me distracted from God and things that have been causing anxiety and depression will go away from my mind and instead my mind will be filled with the truth of our father. If these things do not leave my mind just pray, as I do daily, that God will continue to be with me through the struggle.
Thank you all for your love and support, sorry for the shorter post today, this is just what has been on my heart and what I wanted to share with you all.
Lots of Love, Maddy
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