Day Twenty One: Pain found in Personal Growth 6/20/2016

     This mission is not for the faint of heart, I'll tell you that much. For three weeks now we have been poured into by wise staff members, pastors, and one another; it seems unreal. To have this many Christians the same age truly seeking out God and molding their life to look more like his is astounding. I am impressed, proud, and intimidated by the friends I've made so far. Being around them urges me to dive deeper into God's word, pray without ceasing, and to continue to invest in their friendship to grow a community of love, laughter, and accountability.   

     I would be lying if I said that I haven't been learning some very real and hard stuff these past few weeks. I'd like to share with you what God has been doing in my life, how I've responded, and practical things that I've been doing to not only improve my relationship with God, but also to fix parts of my life that I've been living wrong for a while. 

     First, thank you to all of you who continue to check up on me through this blog, I'm grateful for your prayers and support. What I am about to say are some personal struggles that I've been dealing with for the better part of almost 20 (6 more days :) ) years of my life. So though I'm not saying anything that I fear will "go viral" or am ashamed of, I hope that you will be gracious to me as I share some things you may not know.

     Here it goes: Ever since I've known about my disability and the differences between my sisters and I along with the many struggles it has brought me, I've hated my physical appearance, and lashed out at others in anger for what apparently God had "fearfully and wonderfully made." During my elementary and middle school years, I was a very angry child and quickly came to hate everything about myself. In high school, I assumed that because of the way God had made me that there was no way anyone would ever love me both in terms of friends, because they would obviously befriend me out of pity, and in terms boys.... Well, I've always wanted to have a boyfriend and get married one day, and although I pursue guys I'm interested in, it seems as if I will never catch their attention or get out of the "friend zone." These past few weeks, we have been talking about how to approach relationships in a Christian way, and seek God in a way that any guy who may be interested in us, must seek God to get to us. We've also learned about the design differences between men and women and how we, as women, are supposed to be pursued not pursue, and in the meantime love God and submit to his will.

    It's been an emotional ride, learning all these things and trying to digest them, but it has relieved a weight that has been on my heart for years. In your prayers this week, I ask that you specifically pray that my heart will soften to the truth, that I am created by God perfectly, and to cast all my anxieties on him, giving him all of my struggles and allowing him to be in control of my life. I ask that you pray for the distractions that I am running into on this trip and that they won't take up time in my life that should be time for God. Thanks again for all of your love! Sorry this was a longer and more detailed post than usual.

    Lots of love,  Maddy