Day Fifty Nine: Vunerability; Price or Prize 7/28/2016

     As we've become more comfortable with each other on this mission we have all come to a level of vulnerability with one another. I would like to say that I am an open book and am easy to talk to when it comes to the tough stuff, however there are parts of my life that very few, if any, know about. Things that I've hidden in my heart and tried to erase any proof existing in the first place. Before coming on this mission, I knew that I put on a mask to hide the pain that I dealt with but I had no idea to the measure of its effects on my heart and relationships with the people around me. One of the things that my amazing discipeler (Julie) and I talked about quite frequently was how I felt so distant from the other girls on the mission. After a few weeks at the beginning of the summer, we figured out the biggest reason for this; my lack of vulnerability. Sure I was talking about things that I struggled with but though I was being honest with the girls in the house, I spoke about me issues as a third person narrator on my own life. "Maddy struggles with depression," acknowledging that I did have a problem, but never broke through the surface to deal with it on a heart level. 

     This has always been an issue for me, I put all my feelings into nice organized boxes in the storage closet of my mind and push aside issues so I don't have to deal with them. It seems like a great idea right? Well apparently you can only avoid problems for so long until they build up and that organized closet in my mind looks more like the scene from Peter Pan where Wendy is trying to get the letter from the mail boy and Nana slides across the floor of the bank, running into the boy and Wendy creating a complete disarray of papers and humiliating Mr. Darling in the process. Well, the bank is my mind, Nana is the latest emotion that has broke the camels back, and the humiliation is all mine, as I make rash decisions in times of pain. 

     Since this has been made known to me, I've been working on ways to open up to others on this mission as well as being honest with myself. I've wrote previously about some of the steps I've taken to accomplish these goals, but this week was really a milestone for me on this journey. There was a talent show on Monday at the international coffee house that members of this mission go to bi-weekly, and one of the coordinators of the talent show was asking if any of us wanted to be a part of it. All of last week, I was thinking about it, but wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to do. I decided Sunday night to read a poem from the "Sonnets of the Portuguese" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and signed up. As I was at work the next day memorizing the poem, God stopped me. He told me that I wasn't going to read a poem by some dead English woman, but rather read one of my own. 

     Alright folks, I write poetry, yes, but I do not let other people (except Anna) read it let alone stand up in front of a group of 50+ people and share it with them. God had another idea. I refined one of my poems I wrote a few months ago and waited nervously for my turn. I was so anxious that I didn't eat dinner (good thing too, because it may not have stayed down) and when my turn came I prayed for boldness as I walked up. One of my friends strummed on his guitar in the background and a random international student played the piano for me. I got through it with a confidence that was very much not my own, and spoke slowly and clearly enough for the foreign students to understand me. After I finished and sat down, a giant weight lifted from my chest and I could feel God smiling down on me. After the entire show there was a small reception with refreshments and five or so people approached me thanking me for my boldness and honesty. Some said they too struggled with inner demons and were inspired to continue the fight because of me. I was shocked, and all I can do is praise God. It was a wonderful night and God is so good!

     As I continue to be honest with myself and cultivate relationships with people on this mission I pray that God continue to use me and show me how he will use me to further the kingdom. I pray that I continue to acknowledge God as my first love, and surrender control to him. Thank you all for your prayers and support.

     Lots of love, Maddy 

Day Fifty Two: But... I Don't Want To Go 7/21/2016

     For any of you who know what my title is alluding to, I appreciate you and I hope the reference may help you better understand my emotions right now. I've been in Ocean City Maryland for fifty two days all of which have been jam packed with adventures and memories I hope to never forget. I've made some amazing new friends, ministered to a multitude of people, experienced God in very real ways, and have had a roller coaster of emotions along the way. I thank you all for joining me on this journey and sticking with me thus far, but looking ahead and realizing we only have a little over three weeks left before leaving the preserve and the comfortablitity of such loving and God seeking new friends terrifies me.
     I've had "Christian" friends before, who say they will hold me accountable and occasionally talk about spiritual things with me, but after meeting these people and developing (hopefully) life long friendships with them, I've realized the friends from home and school who are truly living the spirit filled life, is much smaller than I thought. The twenty nine other individuals I'm living with will not simply be "those people I met that one summer in college" but rather, best friends that I have made and hope to keep in contact with for the rest of my life who will provide love, support, and wise counsel when I need Godly advice or just someone to talk to. I love each and every single one of the people on this mission and will miss them all dearly at the end of the summer.
     Enough sappy stuff! We still have three weeks left right? So allow me to fill you in on the happenings of OCMD. This past week three of the women on this mission were baptized in the ocean with members of their churches. It was awesome to see their proclamation of faith and pray over them. On Friday night we drove up to DC and stayed in the Cru houses at George Mason University. Saturday we took the metro in and waited in line for two hours to get into the National mall for Together 2016. I don't know if any of you knew about this festival, but it was amazing! A bunch of speakers and musicians alike came together to help reset this generation of Christians to be servants of God in this evil and violent world. If you are at all interested in what it was all about and who was there, here's the link: https://reset2016.com/ It was amazing, over 300,000 people congregated to praise Jesus and talk about what we as Christians can be doing. Being a part of something like that made me feel thankful to have a father and savior who loves me and wants to have a relationship with me. Thankful for the community that I have despite not knowing the vast majority of them, and thankful for the freedom to worship our God publicly and without persecution.
     Prayer requests this week are pretty simple. Pray that we will get everything out of these next three weeks that we can, pray that I will continue to lean into God and his word, and pray that I won't let the fear of this summer end affect what God has in store.

Lots of Love,
   Maddy

Day Fourty Five: Spiritual Warfare, Feeling Alone in the Battle 7/14/2016

     If I'm being completely honest with myself and you all back home, this trip has been physically, emotionally, and spiritually challenging. A type of challenge I've never really face before. Sure, I've had my insecurities and doubted God for numerous reasons, mainly because of my physical circumstances, but being faced with my biggest insecurity and hatered toward God for ten weeks without distraction, has completely pulled me apart and is shaping me into the woman I truly strive to be.
     I've conftronted God so many times, asking him "why do you have to do this to me?" "why can't I have the peace in you that I so desperately want?" "could you throw anything worse at me right now?" The immediate response is one I know all too well, silence. This just fuels my rage at him. But after being here for six weeks, I can see clearly for the first time both on this mission and in my life in general. God wants an intimate relationship with me, and he is doing everything he can to get me to realize that. He knows that in my sufferering I always turn to him, usually in anger, to get answers. Even though this is not the exact type of relationship he or I want, it's the start of something wonderful. We studied Psalms 88 earlier and this is one of the only Psalms that doesn't end praising God, but instead David says "you have caused my beloved and my firend to shun me; my companions have become darkness." If David, someone who had a beautifuly intimate relationship with God, can pray a prayer of sadness and anger, then so can I.
     When I do pray prayers like this, I am later turned towards scripture that reminds me of his grace and how it is sufficent, that Jesus, our savior, suffered with obedience, and that after we have suffered for a while God will, confirm, restore, strengthen and establish us. I don't know what God is doing, but I believe that he is molding me into the follower of Christ he wishes me to be. The lies that I have believed for so long are slowly (and I say slowly, because it is very slow) falling off of the cage I've been keeping my heart locked in for many years, allowing the spiritual truth that I so desperately need to believe shine through the holes into the cage and warm my cold heart.
     As you keep me in your prayers this week, pray for my complete attention to be on God, that I will have meaningful and intentional quiet times, not out of obligation, but because I want to know God deeper and feel the fullness of his love and grace. Pray that things that have been keeping me distracted from God and things that have been causing anxiety and depression will go away from my mind and instead my mind will be filled with the truth of our father. If these things do not leave my mind just pray, as I do daily, that God will continue to be with me through the struggle.
     Thank you all for your love and support, sorry for the shorter post today, this is just what has been on my heart and what I wanted to share with you all.
Lots of Love, Maddy

Day Thirty Eight: The Week Without Staff 7/7/2016

     So much has changed in the last ten days. Leadership positions were chosen, I shared my testimony at both family night and at First Pres on Sunday, the staff left on Friday evening, and we had a huge house cookout for the 4th of July and watched fireworks on the beach. Sorry about my lack of a post on Monday, due to the staff leaving, our weekly schedule has been changed up and our reflection time is now on Thursday evenings instead of Mondays, so from now on, look for posts on Thursdays. Sorry about that. 

     I guess I'll share in chronological order. Last week was the final week with staff and during family night on Wednesday, the leaders for the rest of the misson were announced. There are bible study leaders, ministry team leaders, and then four main leaders, two overseeing the project as a whole, and two to lead men's and women's time. I was not chosen to have a leadership opportunity, but I'm happy to come along side those who have been chosen to help them in what ever way they need. I would be lying if I said I was completely on board at first. I was frustrated, as anyone would be, who has been told their entire life that they are a natural leader to not be chosen to lead their friends. I soon realized that I don't need to be a leader in everything, that I am a great person to be a second hand man, and most importantly, that God is working in my life this summer that doesn't involve leadership; that leadership would actually hinder my spiritual growth. 

     We then had staff banquet on Friday evening as a send off to our staff leaders which included a video, superlatives, gifts to our leaders, and a catered dinner. Community team did a wonderful job planning and carrying out the event. it was sad to see such influential staff and friends say their goodbyes, but we as a mission have been told countless times that the true mission starts after the staff lead. With more responsibility on our shoulders we grow closer together, deepen in friendships, and see God work in even bigger ways. I'm both excited and nervous for what is in store.

     On Wednesday I shared my testimony with the mission and felt a bit awkward, partly because I was on a stage and partly because I didn't practice as much as I would have liked, but overall people seemed to enjoy it and said I did well. Sunday though, was amazing, at first I was super nervous because it was in front of the entire congregation and they were all much older than I and I wasn't sure how they would take it, but once I was up there, it just felt so natural and all the nerves washed away. I felt different than any other time I've spoken in front of people, I think the Holy Spirit was really working in my heart that morning, and it felt awesome. After the service, a bunch of people thanked me for sharing and, said they were moved by my testimony, and that I had a very natural and warm speaking voice. One woman even asked if I wanted to speak at conferences for a living! Needless to say, despite the fact that First Pres would not have been my first choice of a church to attend this summer, it is slowly growing on me :)

     For those of you who do not know, the 4th of July is my second favorite holiday (followed by Halloween) so missing out on our neighborhoods annual party was a huge bummer, but I suggested doing a cookout here and going to see the fireworks together as a group. Everyone pitched in a few dollars and we went shopping! I made Grandma Stout's infamous Mac N' Cheese for the first time, with minimal complications, and everyone loved it. Afterward, we went up to the loft and had an impromptu worship session where God was very present. After dark we walked up to the boardwalk and though nothing compares to Colorado fire works (kidding) the show was pretty good. 

     Thank you all for continuing to read my funny stories and checking in on me, I really appreciate it. I have a few prayer requests this week: We as a mission are really trying to reach international students, and with several opportunities to meet and share the gospel with them each week, I pray that their hearts will be open to what we have to share, and that God will move in them. For the girls, we have been focusing recently on "waiting well" and dealing with singleness, so prayers for contentment and fulfillment in Christ would be great. I personally want to fall so in love with God that if a guy were to pursue me, he would have to pursue God to get to me. I also ask for intentional daily quiet times and general peace over all of my circumstances and thoughts. 

     Lots of love, Maddy