Day Fifty Nine: Vunerability; Price or Prize 7/28/2016

     As we've become more comfortable with each other on this mission we have all come to a level of vulnerability with one another. I would like to say that I am an open book and am easy to talk to when it comes to the tough stuff, however there are parts of my life that very few, if any, know about. Things that I've hidden in my heart and tried to erase any proof existing in the first place. Before coming on this mission, I knew that I put on a mask to hide the pain that I dealt with but I had no idea to the measure of its effects on my heart and relationships with the people around me. One of the things that my amazing discipeler (Julie) and I talked about quite frequently was how I felt so distant from the other girls on the mission. After a few weeks at the beginning of the summer, we figured out the biggest reason for this; my lack of vulnerability. Sure I was talking about things that I struggled with but though I was being honest with the girls in the house, I spoke about me issues as a third person narrator on my own life. "Maddy struggles with depression," acknowledging that I did have a problem, but never broke through the surface to deal with it on a heart level. 

     This has always been an issue for me, I put all my feelings into nice organized boxes in the storage closet of my mind and push aside issues so I don't have to deal with them. It seems like a great idea right? Well apparently you can only avoid problems for so long until they build up and that organized closet in my mind looks more like the scene from Peter Pan where Wendy is trying to get the letter from the mail boy and Nana slides across the floor of the bank, running into the boy and Wendy creating a complete disarray of papers and humiliating Mr. Darling in the process. Well, the bank is my mind, Nana is the latest emotion that has broke the camels back, and the humiliation is all mine, as I make rash decisions in times of pain. 

     Since this has been made known to me, I've been working on ways to open up to others on this mission as well as being honest with myself. I've wrote previously about some of the steps I've taken to accomplish these goals, but this week was really a milestone for me on this journey. There was a talent show on Monday at the international coffee house that members of this mission go to bi-weekly, and one of the coordinators of the talent show was asking if any of us wanted to be a part of it. All of last week, I was thinking about it, but wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to do. I decided Sunday night to read a poem from the "Sonnets of the Portuguese" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and signed up. As I was at work the next day memorizing the poem, God stopped me. He told me that I wasn't going to read a poem by some dead English woman, but rather read one of my own. 

     Alright folks, I write poetry, yes, but I do not let other people (except Anna) read it let alone stand up in front of a group of 50+ people and share it with them. God had another idea. I refined one of my poems I wrote a few months ago and waited nervously for my turn. I was so anxious that I didn't eat dinner (good thing too, because it may not have stayed down) and when my turn came I prayed for boldness as I walked up. One of my friends strummed on his guitar in the background and a random international student played the piano for me. I got through it with a confidence that was very much not my own, and spoke slowly and clearly enough for the foreign students to understand me. After I finished and sat down, a giant weight lifted from my chest and I could feel God smiling down on me. After the entire show there was a small reception with refreshments and five or so people approached me thanking me for my boldness and honesty. Some said they too struggled with inner demons and were inspired to continue the fight because of me. I was shocked, and all I can do is praise God. It was a wonderful night and God is so good!

     As I continue to be honest with myself and cultivate relationships with people on this mission I pray that God continue to use me and show me how he will use me to further the kingdom. I pray that I continue to acknowledge God as my first love, and surrender control to him. Thank you all for your prayers and support.

     Lots of love, Maddy